Would you like to listen to the accompanying podcast episode that goes into more detail of why I now feel like love is not enough?
Why I Now Require More Than Love in My Relationships.
Beautiful day lovely humans. Welcome back to read yet another blog post of mine. If this is your first time here- LET ME LOVE ON YOU!! -muahzz 😙💚
I’d like to share with you why I personally feel that love is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. Of course, I still view love as being a solid foundation, but a relationship requires structure. As always, I appreciate you reading what I’ve written, here’s an overview of what we’ll discuss.
HIGHLIGHTS
- Love is not enough to sustain a healthy committed relationship
- Both partners must give 100% effort, not split effort 50/50
- Having open honest communication, as well as a clear relationship structure is essential to a healthy relationship
- Financial stability is SIGNIFICANTLY important in sustaining relationships
- Commitment is an action word- not a verbal promise
- Both partners are responsible for loving from a HEALED place in order to be able to love each other in a healthy way
- Intentionally planning things, and having respect for each other’s time can help to strengthen their bond
- A seven-day email series called Aligned & Anointed was created to help give you a boost of self-esteem if you’re in need of one 💚
I’ve Learned Through Experience That Love Is Not Enough
Admittedly, I have yet to be in a serious long-term relationship, but I have loved && been loved. I’ve been with a man who gave me practically everything I asked from him & then some. I was in a ‘friends with benefits’ situation and caught real feelings for a man who wasn’t ready to commit to me. Heck, I even tried to make it work with a guy who I knew could be dangerous for me, but I’d already fck’d him && didn’t really want to start anything new with someone else. I caught real feelings for a man who wasn’t healed and wasn’t healthy- and I still considered being with him.
I hoped that we could grow together and heal together, but that was me searching for love from an unhealed place
These experiences are part of what taught me that love is not enough- at least, not on it’s own. Relationships require structure. && they need a serious commitment. Couples need to have an intentional plan when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship. Be purposeful, because relationships require mutual input from both partners. && lastly, there should also be a level of mutual respect within the relationship as well.
Respect is Not 50/50
I always hear people saying how a relationship requires 50/50 effort. To which I disagree with completely. Both people need to give 100 percent of themselves, at all times. Of course, I do believe that it is imperative to guard your heart, and not to awaken love before the time is right. But I’d advise couples to establish a balance of how effort shows up in their relationship.
For example, one partner may be more physical, the other more emotional, and this dynamic may be complimentary for them. But the actual effort itself can’t be split down the middle.
here’s what doesn’t work
- One person making all of the plans
- One person always initiating intimacy
- One person always being the listening ear without ever having their own feelings validated
You may be saying, “But Kay Bella, my husband doesn’t like planning things because it gives him anxiety, so I always do it.” To which my response is for you to listen a bit more intently to what I’m saying.
what I’m saying is…
One person cannot carry all of the weight in a relationship. Example: One cannot become completely emotionally dependent on one person (without any other friends), because that’s not fair to either of them.
A husband may still enjoy ‘wooing’ his wife after they’ve been together for several years. && he gladly continues to do so because his wife reciprocates in ways that sufficiently meets his needs.
However, when there isn’t a balance between giving and reciprocity, it puts a strain on the relationship, and mutual respect and value is lost.
Structure is NON-NEGOTIABLE
Why do people act as if sitting down, and having an honest conversation with someone, about what they both expect to receive in a relationship is somehow ridged? To me, structure means that both people actually know their role. && listen, this is bigger than who works and who stays home. This requires real communication. The kind that takes time, intention, and emotional intelligence. It means deliberately planning time for each other, not just letting it happen by accident.
It reminds me of how some people save money after paying bills && spending money on this and that. When the better thing to do is to pay oneself FIRST, followed by the most important financial obligations.
For myself personally, my screens go off at 9pm. That’s when I’m winding down for the night. Doing my skincare routine, soaking in the tub, listening to solfeggio frequencies.
A relationship that has real structure incorporates a standard that protects their time together
They may choose to pick an agreed upon window when they’re no longer accepting calls from friends and have zero work interruptions. That becomes their sacred time to be together. Family time could also be scheduled. Perhaps they reserve Sundays as a specific day to go and do things with the kids.
Structure means knowing how your household actually runs. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but for me, I already know that I’ll hire staff to help manage the home. This allows me to have more time to dedicate to the children. I know that I’d like for my children to be homeschooled with a private tutor. Everyone’s version of their household will be different. But the point is, that it’s agreed upon ahead of time. Not a measly guess, or something that one would wing through trial and error.
These aren’t simply mistakes as one would make at work. This is your household.
If They aren’t Ready, Then They ARE NOT READY
I remember having two men, YEARS apart tell me almost the exact same thing. They both told me that they wanted to be in a better place financially before we could really be together.
At the time, I didn’t get it. If I wanted to be with someone now, why did they need to accomplish something beforehand? Why couldn’t we just build it together??
Looking back, I think they may have been telling me the truth about the kind of husband they wanted to be, and the kind of marriage they wanted for themselves. So, even if I couldn’t explain it at the time, I’m glad that they did care enough about me not to play in my face like that. && I truly am grateful to them for that.
because had those relationships continued,
From where we both were in life, I don’t think either of us would have been ready for what came next. But I know better now. I know that I deserve the best. && now, I have standards. The men who I allow in my life now are properly vetted. Interested in reading more about that process? Click here.
Finances DO matter
Listen, I did not care if a guy was broken, whether broken emotionally, or broken financially. I was willing to meet a person where they were in life and love them for who they were in that very moment. But I’ve learned that I must ALWAYS love myself more.
At the moment of writing this blog post, I still ride the city bus. I see older couples on the bus. Couples lugging around all of their kids. && listen, I already know that isn’t the life that I’d want for my children. It saddens me when I see women pushing strollers down the block from the corner store because they can’t afford to purchase a car.
&& genuinely, this is NOT me passing judgement on anyone who is currently living that reality. I’m simply clarifying what I mean when I say that finances need to be part of the relationship plan- not separate from it. Also, ladies, be mindful of what a man is telling you. Because the same man who told me that he wanted to be financially stable before committing to me, is the same man who spoke of us going on trips out of the country.
Commitment Requires ACTION. It Isn’t a Feeling
Did you know that commitments require more than, “I want to marry you.” It requires more than, “I love you.” This is because commitment is a verb, it something that someone does. It requires an action. && in this context, a continuous expression of action.
“If it’s not aligned, it’s not divine.”
A man who truly loves you, and truly values you, isn’t going to want to see you with anyone else. && the same is true in reverse (I mean this in a healthy way). When the connection is real, there isn’t any room to entertain anything that would put that connection at risk.
Yes, Love Is Important. But it Isn’t All That Matters.
Love is what makes people want to commit. It’s what makes people want to build the structure of the relationship and express their appreciation for the other person. Of course, this can only come from a healed place. A lot of people attempt to love from an unhealed place. && that shows up as jealousy and control, as opposed to genuine care.
There’s a difference between control and healthy protectiveness. A person who values your safety and respectfully checks in with you when something feels off to them, is NOT the same as someone trying to control your life. You are allowed to have (and bask in) your own friendships and to have your own life. However, there is still a hierarchy at play here, and the relationship must always come first- however, not at the expense of yourself.
Conclusion
You may have experience heartbreak and pain. && I’m sure the weight that you carried around from past relationships was intense! I’m genuinely glad that you still have the hope of having a healthy, thriving relationship. It is possible ❣️
Honestly, I believe that growth comes from the hardships. It’s helped us be able to identify exactly what we do want, and what we do not want from a relationship. && if you’re in need of a bit of a confidence boost after having your heart broken. I encourage you to click this link.
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to engage with my content. Truly, I do. This website is self-hosted without the use of advertisement, sponsorships, or affiliate links. If you’d like to contribute to the website, you may do so here. Thank you so much!
Remember, all things are possible- they are! The best is yet to come, && the odds are always in your favor. Take care.
-Divine Dime 💚👑
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